I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Living the best life.. 😊
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.