I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
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When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Ha
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.