5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me