Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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stop
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries