My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.