All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
is this a warning or an offer?
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
B
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.