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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own