I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.