judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Who’s ready for Friday?!
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”