a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”