You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.