just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
That’s not how days work.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
This hospital has everything
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.