just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
me working on my assignments ^-^
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“What?”
– Jude
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow