if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
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This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Holy moly
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”