Holy moly
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
set yourself free xox
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me