Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day