Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.