I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who