I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Breaking news:
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.