“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it