The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Shoo shoo! 😂
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?