Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
meow
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.