Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
So that’s what we looked like?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Happy Star Wars day!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’