In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn