If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman