[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Love is always patient and kind.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you