‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Skills
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.