@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

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@DurtMcHurtt

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@david8hughes

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

@bartandsoul

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

@coolauntV

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

@GingerHotDish

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.