Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.


So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.


It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.


My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”





me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]


Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.


You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.


Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.