I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
You Might Also Like
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”