Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Great game to play with friends
R.I.P.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.