Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!