Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You Might Also Like
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’d hang this in my house.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
