Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.
Anyways, making friends is hard.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Guy: I like when a girl has curves
Me, taking off my Spanx: behold
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.