Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“you recording!?”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.