Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
![]()
You Might Also Like
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.