Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please