They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: what’s ur favorite word?
her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.