Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)