@Swishergirl24

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

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@Ameiam

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

@theguywitheyes

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@midwestern_ope

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

@English_Channel

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@envydatropic

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

@internetluke

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.