[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.