Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?