Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.


When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt


According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.


Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”


Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.


What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.


r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener


Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid