@AcceptableLoses Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
@torrami Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
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@AcceptableLoses 
@weinerdog4life When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
@mydmac According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
@Im_Tricia Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
@mrtruthandsoul Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
@EliTerry Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
@MedusaOusa My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
@NikiWithIssues What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
@mrjohndarby g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
@Nocturnesthesia Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid