I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
only 11 steps left
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
¯_(ツ)_/¯
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Duck typos.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.