I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

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Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?


A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.


Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.


Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!


Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.


I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.


Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.


ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*


In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.