only 11 steps left
You Might Also Like
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
One venti cheeseburger please.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.