[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
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Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s