An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
#JohnTravolta
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️