If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Sending in my taxes
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m about to risk it all
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog