nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
what’s the point then??
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.