Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
this is 10/10 content no notes
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?