Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Steam Forums
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?