Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
📽️movie date🎞️
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest