I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
When you kidnap a writer.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Bed should get ready for ME
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.