Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*