Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Worth the read.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.