The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.