Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..