You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
BRO LMFAO
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR