SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
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“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly